Often times I dwell upon the concept that you make it either one of two ways in this world. Either you are born into wealth and you prosper that way or you find the hunger within you and you build from that. Some people stumble into their inner hunger, ie Kim Kardashian. Her infamous sex tape allowed her to find her inner hunger and build an empire on it. Others are born with a talent and use their talent to inspire their inner hunger ie Kendrick Lamar or Nick Cannon. And then there are those who go through desperate times and use desperation to fuel their inner hunger, ie. Necole Kane aka NecoleBitchie.
Then I think about me…I am definitely not born into wealth and I have not stumbled into any wealth possibilities. However, I do have a talent and I am going through some hard times…I guess that should be enough to spark my inner hunger…better yet, it should be more than enough because I have 2 out of 3 reasons to be hungry.
Yet, I don’t have it!!!
Don’t get me wrong, I am definitely in the process of making moves towards my goals and aspirations, but I don’t know if I can say that the fire under my ass is as hot as those I mentioned. And I in all honesty, I really want to turn the fucking heat up. But I don’t know how. I think if most people would have been through what I went through in the last year – it would have either made them or broke them. But for me, it didn’t break me, but I would definitely say it left a tear. And it didn’t make me, but it definitely opened my eyes up to a lot of new understandings.
I guess in a way, I’m taking it slow…or step by step. But I’m so hesitant to even type that because I feel like its not warranted. Like “how the fuck dare you take it step by fucking step!!?? How dare you not recognize the sense of urgency that is required of you right now?!”
Oh the battle in my brain only leaves me more confused and less motivated. It is a very conscious choice I make when I get up and put forth hard work. It is not something that comes natural to me anymore and it’s starting to take its toll.
Am I lost? What is it that I really and truly want? Is it realistic? Are my priorities in order? So many questions I pose and yet the only one who can answer them is me.
It’s time to be realistic. Time to get moving. Time to grow. Time to change. Time to plant seeds.
Peace & Blessings
One concept that I’ve had a hard time understanding most of my life, but has come into full fruition at this point in my life, is the concept of patience. Patience is something that we all need individually and collectively, however it is also something that a huge majority of us lack. I, myself, am the type of person who wants what I want when I want it. I have no interest in the “waiting period” but my lack of patients has brought me nowhere but down frustration Avenue.
Life does not work on your schedule. What is required of life is to plant seeds and watch them grow. You do not get pregnant on a Tuesday and give birth on Friday you have to wait nine months patiently and sometimes uncomfortably. When that baby is born it does not come out of your belly walking on it’s 2 feet, first they don’t crawl, then they crawl, and then they learned to walk. I believe that at one point and time in our past lives, we had the ability to manifest things immediately, unfortunately this is not that time. Although sometimes we can create a thought, put it into the universe and watch it return itself to us immediately,for example, when you think of someone and all of a sudden they call you from many of us these type of occasions are few and far between because we are not on the spiritual plane which we need to be on in order for us to create instant manifestation. in the meantime we have to learn to be patience.
Our dreams, desires, wants and needs will come to us in an abundance, however what is required between the time we ask or meditate on what we desire, and the time what we desire actually comes to us, is called patience. The one thing that we can count on to heal wounds or at lease close them is time. Only time can provide you with everything that you need in order to live in peace, happiness and acceptance of yourself. Hand-in-hand time works with patients because time does not speed up or slow down for anyone. It works at its own pace and therefore patience comes and helps us deal with time.
When I consider the concept of patience through this perspective, I come to a place where I release my fustrations and anxiety in exchange for gratitude and strength. Lack of patience is only a negative energy force towards time. I mean really, why get mad at time? It’s only doing its job which includes your growth, mentally, physically, spiritually, financially, emotionally etc. I had to learn what the purpose of patience was in order to gain it. What I also learned is that while time takes care of its responsibilities, I was also required the same. My responsibility was and still is to keep planting seeds, keep nurturing and keep growing these seeds until i have no more breath. I choose patience as one of my virtues because I understand that we are here to live an abundance that is right here and available to us. The catch, however, is that you have to put in the work, you plant the seeds you want to see grow, then you respect time by simply becoming patient.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions because of “love.” Some more recent than others, a few more disappointing than the rest….
Why is accepting that someone does not love u back, the same way you love them, so darn difficult? I’ve made so many dumb decisions just to try to get someone to love me… Decisions that I would’ve not made if I were clear headed. Decisions that have stained my life… And in the end, what I wanted, I never got and everything I didn’t want came in a double portion. At times I felt if I’d at least won the heart of my admirer, it may have all been worth it!
But one thing I learned, from the very lips of my love was “one monkey don’t stop no show!” For so long I didn’t really get what it meant until the day I got what it meant….
Sometimes love can bruise you, it can hurt you to the point where you feel injured emotionally and it makes you sick physically… That’s what I put myself thru… All in the name of “love.”
However, Love ( without the quotations) is something much different. This type of love doesn’t end this way at all. From the beginning it is natural. It doesn’t require you to attempt to impress…it will not request of you to put yourself in harms way, it will consistently accept you for who you are, it will remain loyal, it will not freeze you in time…
I look forward to the days when I find Love without quotations, but first I had to unfreeze myself, recollect myself, regain myself, reassure myself and realize for myself that “one monkey don’t stop no show” and it is my full duty and responsibility to myself to move forward, recognize the lessons learned and Live, Love & Laugh
Sometimes I find keeping my spirits up to be a full time job. Why can’t happiness just come naturally? There are so many reasons to be happy, grateful, joyous…so why isn’t happiness something that just is? “They” say happiness begins from within, I agree with this. However, how do you find it within when you feel without?
One thing in life I have learned is to never compare your life to that of another because you never know the next (wo)mans struggle. And even though I know this is something that I shouldn’t do, I can’t help but look around at the joy others feel and wonder, where’s my joy?
How long can I convince myself that I am happy being single, when really my heart is lonely. Or how many times do I have to say to myself “kids aren’t in the cards for me” before I can shake the feeling of wanting to be a mother?
Life is complicated indeed….
Does every finish line have a starting point? Does every starting point have a finish line?
When we drive in the night on dark roads without lights, we trust our headlights to guide us 200ft ahead, but what’s beyond that 200ft and the next 200ft an the next 200ft? We don’t know till we get there right?
I don’t know… Sometimes I feel like a little stone in the middles of a railroad crossing….overlooked, never thought of, only as important as I make myself feel.
I have been alive for 33.75 years now and I must admit that my 33rd year has by far been the hardest. I am not they type of person who compares year to year, meaning, because I’m 33 now and I’ve had a difficult year isn’t to say that because this is the most recent year it is most difficult. I believe that when I am in my 40’s, I will more than likely still consider 33 as my hardest year.
On the lighter side of things however, I can also admit that 33 has been my most enlightened year thus far. I hope when I am 40, I can say that 33 was just the beginning of my enlightenment….
Knowing all that I know now, but still understanding that I still have much much more to learn excites me. Experience is the best teacher, but to learn from your mistakes is not proven in your words in proven in your works. Your actions, your mind frame, your personal message are all indicators of wether you have truly learned a lesson. Action comes from application. Applying the lessons one learns into everyday life. If I have learned to be patient, then I cannot fell annoyance because you are late. Instead, I can alter that annoyance into something positive or neutral. This is the hard part of learning but it is also the most important part….